I am not afraid to admit that lately I have been struggling. I haven't posted in so long because of it. I just didn't know what to say to it all. I thought moving to London was supposed to be a fresh new enjoyable start and it has just flown by to the point where I am completely surrounded by stress again. I had an interview last week for a course at LCF and didn't even make it through for an interview. Before that I had spent a week trying to pull a portfolio out of nowhere and was conpletely exhausted. In hindsight it was probably better that I didn't get an interview as if I had they would have thought that I was a complete in co hearent babboon! I literally died on Friday of something going round our class and didn't get my head back into gear until Monday.
I am working flat out at the moment and not sleeping. Everytime I go to close my eyes all I keep thinking is knit knit knit. I even imagine the stitched forming almost like counting sheep except it does however hinder my ability to sleep rather than aide it!!! Most annoying!!!! Portfolio is starting to take better shape now but I need to pull something out of the bag to have it ready for my next 2 interviews on the 23rd and 25th of this month. Having no sleep for 2 days and not being able to sleep now doesn't help this! Lots of exclation marks being used today!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I so badly want to succeed and get onto the right BA however do we really know what is right for us? We may do at the point of consideration but looking back are we ever truelly happy with the choices that we make? I know a bit deep and meaningfully for this time at night ok well morning, but I have really been thinking about this recently. I was wondering what would have happened if I had stayed in manchester this year? Would things have turned out the same? Would life have been easier? Would I not feel this homesick? Would I actually be enjoying myself rather than struggling on through as per? One of the tutors came up to me today as I was undergoing mental torture trying to select pei es for q mini portfolio. He put his are around my shoulder and asked if I was ok. I could so easily have burst into tears but I refrained as best I could from doing so and told him about the stress I was under. Then I looked round the room and saw 2 different girls crying whilst working at their desk and it hit me just how much everyone was feeling the stress of this application process. It makes me wonder,...does everyone sit up until this hour thinking about the same things or do yet sleep easily. I know a friend of mine has to do a serious amount of drinking or worse before he can even begin to stop thinking about the work. I know this isn't right but everyone has their ways of coping. Some people abusE their choice of drug whether it be alcohol smoking or drugs others prefer to cry or talk about it with friends. I sadly prefer to write to myself?!?!? Ok sleep deprevation is definitely starting to kick in now! I don't know this seems to have cleared my head a little. I am no longer thinking of knitting or sheep for that matter but instead am thinking about when I can get back to enjoying my work. Hopefully it won't be too long before I find myself again xxx
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